Confessions of a Kashmirican

Today is Diwali - the Festival of Lights. I’m walking among fiery and cherry-stained trees that line my usual walking path. There’s a definite chill in the air now, and the falling leaves rattle off to an ancient rhythm that seems lost to most of us… *** I’m remembering my childhood days for seemingly no reason at all. I remember the simplicity of it all, the little moments of joy I would share with my parents and siblings. I remember my late maternal grandparents, always soft-spoken and full of kindness. I remember moments of quiet reading in the local library, of clarinet playing and jazz band, and of singing old Hindi songs that none of our classmates could understand. Most of all, I remember looking forward to a brighter and better future. All the time. Always. *** If I can still remember all of that… then perhaps not all is lost within me. I can still carry forward with love, light and laughter. Happy Diwali. 🪔

I love it when the rain and the sun come out at the same time. Most people call it a “sunshower”, but I like to call it “rainshine” instead. The sunlight makes the raindrops look like shining diamonds falling from the bright sky. I was lucky to see this phenomenon a couple of times, at the beginning of the month. Now it’s all just rain… but I don’t mind that, either. *** Lately, I’ve been talking to an arranged suitor who seems perfect. At least, he fits everything my family and I were looking for. It’s been a nice conversation so far, like talking to an old friend. But… I don’t see myself marrying him. I don’t feel any spark beyond friendship. No attraction whatsoever. It might be an okay marriage, but I’ll never be happy in it. Somehow, I know this deep within my heart. So here’s a new conclusion I’ve come to: I’m not looking for Mr. Perfect. I’m looking for Mr. Right. Mr. Perfect may say, do and be all the right things. He’s not a bad person either, otherwise he wouldn’t be perfect.

Nearly a couple weeks ago, I had a breakdown. *** It’s never an easy thing to admit. There’s so much chaos in my mind at times, so many feelings repressed. One day, it all poured out of me like a raging waterfall… and when the waterfall stopped, I wandered for a while without knowing where I was going. All I knew was that I needed to be alone for a little while, and that I was safe in my own company. Now, I’m just starting to pick up the pieces. I’m just so afraid of letting others down, I forgot that I let myself down in the process. And that needs to be healed first. My relationship with myself. Because if I can’t fix this, everything else comes tumbling down with it.

Last night I found my simplest truth again, in a dream. I was going out with an arranged marriage suitor, and things seemed to be going okay. Until a projector screen came up in front of us, on which was a list of all my real-life flaws - in PowerPoint form! The guy was scrolling through the slides, and which each flaw that came up he got angrier and angrier. Eventually, he stormed out while I just stood there, frozen with fear. He complained about me to my parents, said he wouldn’t marry such a horrible person, and then left. From the time I woke up to the time I reached my office, I kept thinking about that dream. It was so hard for me to face, because I know my own flaws deep down… And because of those flaws, I think I’m unworthy of being loved for who I am. I’m afraid of others seeing what I think is the “real” me - crazy, immature, overly talkative, childish, whiny, selfish, irresponsible, lazy, cunning - and rejecting me for all of that. The thing is… yes, I do have those flaws a

I miss my maternal grandparents… I wish they were still around, alive and well, and could’ve lived long enough to see my marriage in the future (whenever that will happen). I especially miss my grandfather. *** Today I discovered this one instrumental piece: “Form” by Tom Quick. It’s got a simple piano tune, a smooth “orchestral” sounding flow and chill beats in the background that sort of remind me of a heartbeat. There’s something about it that makes me think and wonder about life in general: from the human experience on Earth to life in the universe, among other things. I love the ebb and flow of it all, the music of voices and the colors I see, the beauty of both creation and creativity, the emotions we can feel and express. … If all the world was silent, it would be lonesome.

Technology is interesting, isn’t it? We can jump start cars or unresponsive people in an emergency… Where’s the technology to jump start dead emotions? I feel so empty these days… so empty. My heart feels hollow inside, as though there was nothing in there to begin with. I don’t want to live a dead life. I can’t agree to this arrangement. I can’t deal with this compromise. I wish I could jump start my heart, and start all over again. I want to experience the best of romance like I’m feeling it for the very first time again. I want it to flutter the way it used to, to feel the color rise in my cheeks and my knees go weak the way I used to feel them. I wish I could once more experience the warmth of someone’s hand in mine as we walk along a garden path, the tenderness of a gentle smile or a kiss, the sweet ache of a deep happy sigh… Love is too beautiful to waste my life without. 

This last Sunday, my family and I meditated. I had only one prayer written out, and silently thought to myself: Please help me find the right person. As we were just about done, the candle we had lit died out - and as it did, I saw the dying flame jump up and burn all our slips of paper at once. Nothing else was burned. If that wasn’t a sign, I don’t know what is… *** Finally met Mr. Hobbit in person yesterday. ❤️ I wasn’t expecting that, to be honest. So it was nice. 😄 Quite a few others showed up as well, for the retirement luncheon held for one of our senior colleagues. Whenever I fell silent, I could - for the first time in ages - hear the sea of voices. Voices rising up and down, like waves gently lapping against the shore, so full of life and animation. It was music to my heart. The pandemic truly has taken a toll on me, I realize it deeply now. I know I’m socially inept and have much to learn, but… I want to see more of other people. I want to see more of the world again. I wan

The evening is quiet enough. I can breathe in the pure, unscented air for a bit. I was feeling a little sore earlier, but all the aches seem to have melted away. As I’m walking, my eyes scan across the misty sunset skies with relief and relish. It’s refreshing to see. My mind has been in a state of confusion and chaos the past week or so (as it usually is, but this time it’s been worse). And yet, more and more often, I’ve been seeking refuge within myself. Who else can I talk to about how I’m truly feeling right now? Sometimes it seems like no one knows me the way I know myself. And sometimes it can be uncomfortable, having to acknowledge my negative traits along with the positive ones… but it’s necessary. I need to grow. I can run from a lot of things, but I can’t run away from myself. I feel torn from inside. How do I sew the pieces back together?

I want my time back. I. Want. My. Time. Back. It’s been a little over a week now, and I’ve already reached my limit here… I’m sick of the arranged marriage suitors. I’m sick of having to look at their stupid profiles full of praises and achievements. I’m sick of having to message them and talk to them over the phone. I’m sick of feeling pushed to like any of these assholes. I want my time back! I want to take time to get to know myself again. I was perfectly fine with my family, my job and my hobbies alone. I don’t need anyone else right now! GIVE ME BACK MY TIME!

“When you’re happy you enjoy the music, but when you’re sad you understand the lyrics.” It’s come down to this now. Because of all my past relationship blunders, I’m faced with having to choose suitors screened through my family. It’s not that the guys themselves aren’t good - well, most of them haven’t been, but some are pretty cool. And it’s not that I don’t trust my mom’s judgment. I do, and I have in fact been able to talk more openly with her about these guys and what I think of them, which is nice for a change. I just… don’t feel anything. *** I’ve been through so many ups and downs throughout my twenties, trying to find myself amidst the whirlwind of career decisions, insecurities, and relationships gone horribly wrong. It took me so long to sober up, at the cost of ostracism and burned bridges. I’m finally at a place where I can start to see things clearly for what they are… And yet here I am once again, asking myself: Is it wrong for me to go for what I want at the cost of my

Normally I don’t bat an eye with grocery discount announcements… So why does this one stick out? *** In honor of the upcoming 4th of July weekend, I saw a 10% off discount in a grocery ad that was intended for the military, police, firefighters and first responders. Of course, I’ve got mixed feelings about the police (especially in recent years) - but at least for the others, it seriously made me think. These are the people who have sworn to protect us, each in their own way. We have the freedom to protest and fight for even greater humanitarian rights because of them. We are safe because of them. Many of them have sacrificed their time, their strength, their peace of mind, their emotional well-being, and sometimes even their lives, for the greater good of all. And the best we can give back to them is a goddamn 10% discount at a grocery store?! It’s not enough… it can’t be. I think about Mr. Hobbit now, and I wonder what he had to do and/or sacrifice to make it this far. I wonder about

Last year, I consulted a few psychics (yes, I do believe in psychic mediums among other things) regarding my love life. Then earlier this year, I had a live tarot reading done by a wonderful woman whose FB group I’m now a part of. For the most part, what I got was pretty consistent. Here’s the gist of what I heard back from all of these ladies: I am meant to meet someone on my own, perhaps later in the year. We may or may not be connected through work, but what they each said in their own way is that, when we do meet, I’ll know for sure it’s him. I’ll feel at home with him. And it’ll be one hell of an adventure: one that may require courage on my part to fight for, but is ultimately worth it. But to get there, I need to believe in myself first, build myself up. He will be there when I’m ready. *** Right now, I’m looking at the real possibility of an arranged marriage within the next year or so. It’s not that I don’t trust my family to find someone nice and all, but… how could love ever

Today, I got an answer to the question I never asked. He’s helpless too, it seems - he gets stuck in more meetings and planning than his actual work, so he often doesn’t have time to communicate. I did notice him trying his best to respond to me and others on our team promptly today, so that was nice. Thanks, Mr. Hobbit. 😊 *** I was out on the swing earlier this evening with Mom and Lucy, in the backyard. There was a lovely cool breeze, and our garden looked even more lush and beautiful under the soft sunset sky. In those quiet moments, I reflected for a bit. First off, even I’ve been unfair on Mr. Hobbit and his team in my open letter… they can only do so much. We’re all working like cogs in a machine, after all. We all depend on each other to keep IT operations running smoothly, at the end of the day. I must remember this and learn to be more patient. Second… I need to stop being so hard on myself. I do have just about as many good traits as bad ones. I may not be socially adept at

Feeling better now since last night (despite not having slept at all). It was nice to see my teammates at the office as well… I’ve missed seeing them in person regularly. There is one coworker outside of my team, though, to whom I’d like to address this open letter. An open letter that I hope he never reads. (Btw I’m calling him Mr. Hobbit here, only because I’m a huge LOTR fan.) Dear Mr. Hobbit, Do you have any idea how freaking impressive your life story is so far? I never would’ve guessed that you came from a humble background. You seem to have steadily made your way up the ladder, from your military service to the job you have now. And with a worldly wisdom, too! I have yet to meet you in person, thanks to the pandemic. Yet so far, I admire your vigilance, your sense of discipline and professionalism, your kindness, and most of all your sincerity. I  already liked you ever since you came back from deployment last year (and I got to hear you for the first time in one of those depart

I can’t sleep. This is one of those nights where I can’t sleep because of my darkest thoughts. I’m not liked, I’m too stupid and lazy, I’m awkward and make people feel uncomfortable, no one wants me around, I’m a burden, I have nothing of value to give to the world… I just want the pain to end. But I don’t know how. I often cry myself to sleep instead, and then the cycle repeats itself another night. I want the pain to end.

The sky is blanketed in a silver mist. I can hear the sweet melodies of a hundred birds calling out to one another - “Come to me, let’s dance.” I can barely feel the wind against my face, as the heat of the day begins to kick in. But when I do, it’s mercifully cool - almost teasing. I love these quiet walks… they help me sort out my tangled thoughts and emotions. And I can safely daydream as well, in the comfort of my own skin. I have this one song on repeat: it’s a Tamil love song about a guy tormented by his beloved, awaiting her response as he confesses his love for her. I don’t understand a word of Tamil, but even before I read the translation yesterday I fell in love with it. I want to open up again, trust love again. It’s not easy being so vulnerable, you know. Perhaps one step at a time, I will find my way…

Diversity is interesting. I love how we all come from a wide variety of backgrounds, with unique life experiences and stories to share. I can see each individual color of this rainbow, and I can see the full rainbow itself… all at once. And it’s wonderful. Do we have to fight with each other over our differences? Do we have to kill each other for it? Why can’t we all see the rainbow and celebrate the beauty of it? Here is life, expressing itself through countless ways and countless people. Life can manifest in any way it chooses, and… how is that not the most amazing thing we could ever witness? I want to reach across the table, smiling warmly, extending my hand. I want to be the bridge through which people can see and understand each other, the same way I can see and understand them from afar right now… If only my spoken words could match my inner feelings here.

I’ve been diving into more and more self-help and spirituality books these days, in search of myself. My views on God, life, and other things have changed so drastically over the past 5-6 years, that I can no longer relate to most people around me. I don’t regret the shift in consciousness or anything, it just feels lonesome at times. Moreover, regardless of the knowledge I’ve gained so far, I still can’t seem to reconcile my positive and negative traits. It’s like I’m constantly in the middle of this internal struggle. I know I can be kind - but then I forget in the heat of an argument and raise my voice. I know I can connect with other people - but my words, behaviors and actions can come across so awkwardly in public, that I end up further alienating myself from others. I wish I could find my center and just… stay there. Between light and shadow, there must be some balance. Yin and yang don’t have to go to war.

Last night, I had a dream... the first good one in ages. I was married to a kind man. We had three kids - all of different ages - and at least 2 dogs. We lived in a decent house, much like the one I live in now with my family, in a quiet suburb neighborhood much like our own. We were happy... I felt so warm inside thinking about that, I almost forgot about the present. I cried when I woke up. *** It wasn’t a good dream merely because my “dream family” was perfect. It was good because I became the person I always wanted to be: sweet, loving, kind, patient, understanding, confident, and wise. Why can’t I be that way now?

This month has been a real whirlwind for me - physically, mentally and emotionally. Change is in the air, and I’ve been getting swept up in it from the start. Right now though, I’m in the eye of the storm. And it’s amazingly calm, in spite of the surrounding chaos... I don’t know how the rest of the year will play out, but for now I don’t mind resting here. *** I got the chance to take a few pictures of our first few blossoms earlier, just before the rain started to fall. Flowers fascinate me, from the wide range of colors and textures to the mixture of aromas in the air. Every spring I look forward to seeing the new blossoms in our backyard garden, and so I try to capture their beauty through my phone camera. I’ve been told in the past that my pictures look professional and that I should consider getting paid for it - but I’m not really into it for that. It’s just a hobby I happen to enjoy, it makes me feel good. 😌 I just hope the rain doesn’t destroy our blossoms again...

There’s a light flurry of snow swirling down from the overcast sky right now. This snowfall adds a strangely beautiful contrast to the blossoms and buds I see, and its quiet descent mingles with the sweet birdsong in the air. It feels as soft as gentle rain. I recall how snow can be a blessing. I also recall being told how there was still snow on the ground when my siblings and I were born. Even though I love spring, there seems to be a connection between gentle snowfall and peace in my mind as well. What I see outside today reminds me of the calm and stillness of the Divine in the form of Lord Shiva. It’s been a while since I last felt this peaceful - I don’t feel lonely at all. I’m okay with keeping myself company. I don’t need anything else. It’s a beautiful meditation. Thank you for this moment.

There are rare moments when I feel inspired to write something new, based on philosophical ramblings that my mind loves to dive into whenever I zone out. (I personally enjoy this source of inspiration, it’s where I get the bulk of my creativity from.) This time, I started wondering how a jaded narrator would respond to a proposal from a perpetual flirt. Here’s what I ended up with: “I love you,” you say, “And I want you to stay.” And? What would you have me do? What future would you lead me to? Ribbons and roses, Fake smiles and poses, Will soon give way To a grim and gray Lifetime drenched in rain. Spare me the tears, The heartache and fears! Sweet nothings of today Could never hold sway To the sorrow Of tomorrow... You’ll pass out at a bar With another on your arm. Words alone slip through like sand, That foundation won’t stand. Want me to stay? Then hear what I say: I want a tower Built through the power Of two strong souls Whose dreams and goals Are consistently tended to With call

With great power comes great responsibility, indeed. I often wonder why I can’t say aloud certain things that ring true to me. For instance, why am I not allowed to point out the hypocrisy of fellow Hindus who complain of being victimized and misunderstood yet would look down on Muslims in an instant? Or, why can’t I reach across the aisle with my Pakistani friends as we all go through similar experiences and struggles in the US? I always need to be careful when speaking up, because people within my own community apparently observe me from afar like a flock of crows. Just waiting to see when I’ll take a fatal plunge, so that they can then all swoop down and peck and tear at my flesh upon my (social) demise. I have a right to speak my mind. I know this. But I would also hate to see my way of expression drag my family’s reputation through the mud. Until I can come to terms with it, I’ll need to carry on with this dangerous balancing act...

There’s a gentle snowfall outside right now as I’m typing this. The world feels so serene, so quiet, so calm. Nothing can shake this up... I see more beauty in a one-night stand than in a long-term relationship full of trouble. *** You still with me? Okay. 😊 Breathe for a few moments... we’ll get through this. *** Now, please allow me to explain my point here: Why do relationships fail or sour over time? Because we have too many expectations. We expect our partner to be our lover, friend, and confidant all at once. We expect them to be true and faithful to us, all the time. We expect them to act or behave in certain ways in order for us to be happy. We expect them to fill whatever gaps we perceive in ourselves. We expect them to make us happy. Now, I’m not saying we should all go out and sleep with random strangers! Just take a moment to ponder the essence of such an experience: 1) There are no expectations. You’re not looking for a lifelong commitment, and there are no strings attach

It’s now 2021, and I already feel relieved. Not that anything in particular has changed - after all, we’ve still got the devastating pandemic situation and the presidency transition drama, among other matters. But just for today, it felt good to say goodbye to a horrible year. For my part, I have no resolutions this time. I’ve simply been thankful to be alive and well, along with my family. I’ve been counting my blessings a lot these days, in fact. Even regarding the things I hope for - as my sister jokingly said, “Lose the weight and find a mate!” - I’m not too concerned. First off, I’ve made a great deal of progress so far on my weight loss routine, and I know it’s one I’ll stick to even after I reach my target weight. Second, I don’t really feel the need anymore to find someone just to fill a void in my life... like, sure it would be nice and all, but it won’t give me the happiness I’m currently searching for, which I know can only be found within. Thus, I’m more interested in recon