Confessions of a Kashmirican

Last year, I consulted a few psychics (yes, I do believe in psychic mediums among other things) regarding my love life. Then earlier this year, I had a live tarot reading done by a wonderful woman whose FB group I’m now a part of. For the most part, what I got was pretty consistent. Here’s the gist of what I heard back from all of these ladies: I am meant to meet someone on my own, perhaps later in the year. We may or may not be connected through work, but what they each said in their own way is that, when we do meet, I’ll know for sure it’s him. I’ll feel at home with him. And it’ll be one hell of an adventure: one that may require courage on my part to fight for, but is ultimately worth it. But to get there, I need to believe in myself first, build myself up. He will be there when I’m ready. *** Right now, I’m looking at the real possibility of an arranged marriage within the next year or so. It’s not that I don’t trust my family to find someone nice and all, but… how could love ever

Today, I got an answer to the question I never asked. He’s helpless too, it seems - he gets stuck in more meetings and planning than his actual work, so he often doesn’t have time to communicate. I did notice him trying his best to respond to me and others on our team promptly today, so that was nice. Thanks, Mr. Hobbit. 😊 *** I was out on the swing earlier this evening with Mom and Lucy, in the backyard. There was a lovely cool breeze, and our garden looked even more lush and beautiful under the soft sunset sky. In those quiet moments, I reflected for a bit. First off, even I’ve been unfair on Mr. Hobbit and his team in my open letter… they can only do so much. We’re all working like cogs in a machine, after all. We all depend on each other to keep IT operations running smoothly, at the end of the day. I must remember this and learn to be more patient. Second… I need to stop being so hard on myself. I do have just about as many good traits as bad ones. I may not be socially adept at

Feeling better now since last night (despite not having slept at all). It was nice to see my teammates at the office as well… I’ve missed seeing them in person regularly. There is one coworker outside of my team, though, to whom I’d like to address this open letter. An open letter that I hope he never reads. (Btw I’m calling him Mr. Hobbit here, only because I’m a huge LOTR fan.) Dear Mr. Hobbit, Do you have any idea how freaking impressive your life story is so far? I never would’ve guessed that you came from a humble background. You seem to have steadily made your way up the ladder, from your military service to the job you have now. And with a worldly wisdom, too! I have yet to meet you in person, thanks to the pandemic. Yet so far, I admire your vigilance, your sense of discipline and professionalism, your kindness, and most of all your sincerity. I  already liked you ever since you came back from deployment last year (and I got to hear you for the first time in one of those depart

I can’t sleep. This is one of those nights where I can’t sleep because of my darkest thoughts. I’m not liked, I’m too stupid and lazy, I’m awkward and make people feel uncomfortable, no one wants me around, I’m a burden, I have nothing of value to give to the world… I just want the pain to end. But I don’t know how. I often cry myself to sleep instead, and then the cycle repeats itself another night. I want the pain to end.

The sky is blanketed in a silver mist. I can hear the sweet melodies of a hundred birds calling out to one another - “Come to me, let’s dance.” I can barely feel the wind against my face, as the heat of the day begins to kick in. But when I do, it’s mercifully cool - almost teasing. I love these quiet walks… they help me sort out my tangled thoughts and emotions. And I can safely daydream as well, in the comfort of my own skin. I have this one song on repeat: it’s a Tamil love song about a guy tormented by his beloved, awaiting her response as he confesses his love for her. I don’t understand a word of Tamil, but even before I read the translation yesterday I fell in love with it. I want to open up again, trust love again. It’s not easy being so vulnerable, you know. Perhaps one step at a time, I will find my way…

Diversity is interesting. I love how we all come from a wide variety of backgrounds, with unique life experiences and stories to share. I can see each individual color of this rainbow, and I can see the full rainbow itself… all at once. And it’s wonderful. Do we have to fight with each other over our differences? Do we have to kill each other for it? Why can’t we all see the rainbow and celebrate the beauty of it? Here is life, expressing itself through countless ways and countless people. Life can manifest in any way it chooses, and… how is that not the most amazing thing we could ever witness? I want to reach across the table, smiling warmly, extending my hand. I want to be the bridge through which people can see and understand each other, the same way I can see and understand them from afar right now… If only my spoken words could match my inner feelings here.

I’ve been diving into more and more self-help and spirituality books these days, in search of myself. My views on God, life, and other things have changed so drastically over the past 5-6 years, that I can no longer relate to most people around me. I don’t regret the shift in consciousness or anything, it just feels lonesome at times. Moreover, regardless of the knowledge I’ve gained so far, I still can’t seem to reconcile my positive and negative traits. It’s like I’m constantly in the middle of this internal struggle. I know I can be kind - but then I forget in the heat of an argument and raise my voice. I know I can connect with other people - but my words, behaviors and actions can come across so awkwardly in public, that I end up further alienating myself from others. I wish I could find my center and just… stay there. Between light and shadow, there must be some balance. Yin and yang don’t have to go to war.