Confessions of a Kashmirican

… I need a minute to breathe. *** As it turns out, the arranged suitor (and his mom) believe in anti-vaxx theories over the CDC. So much so, that the guy himself is willing to lose his job instead of getting vaccinated. 1) I’m almost shocked at myself for the 180-degree shift in my mind from ”loving” him to wanting to have nothing to do with him, 2) I’m wondering what other things he might believe in that would be a dealbreaker, and 3) I guess deep down, I was looking for an excuse to get out of this. (Yeah, definitely shitty of me.) Whatever the case is, I want to call it off. My family knows this, and yet they’re asking me to give him another chance to talk it out. I don’t want to, but I can’t avoid this tough conversation forever. What do I do…? *** I watched a movie with my family on Saturday, that finally highlighted the truth about our community’s genocide and the current twisted narrative being driven today. It was so raw, so brutal… and yet so brilliantly done. It’s got people

Life is complicated. Emotions are complicated. People and situations are complicated. Oh, but how I wish it were all simple! I already feel so guilty . I love my future husband to the point where I’m afraid of losing him. And yet, I’ve still got this one lingering regret… I have to let go of one more person before I can move on. It’s suffocating me. I have to let it out. I have to say something. Even if he never reads it. *** Dear Mr. Hobbit, I’m sorry. I’ve had a crush on you since the very first time I met you. It’s not the first time I’ve fallen for someone with a military background, but that’s not the only thing that caught my attention. You’re handsome, in a cute sort of way. You’re the most vigilant and reliable person on your team (as others around me will agree). You’re kind and understanding, while being confident and unafraid to speak your mind. And you’ve got a damn good sense of humor! Even though it took me ages to open up to you, I’m thankful to have known you as my cow

Hello 2022! Nice to meet you! I’m… The biggest idiot on the face of the planet. *** Last Saturday, I accidentally set the clothes drying machine on fire. I had quickly taken the lint out as usual before starting it, but didn’t realize that a tiny bit of it had fallen back down… We called the fire brigade as quickly as we could and got everyone out. We’re all fine now, the worst thing that happened was that the drying machine got burnt and needs replacing. But yeah, that shook me up quite a bit. Lesson 1000% learned, the hard way. *** We lost our paternal grandfather in India, a couple days ago. He apparently died of cardiac arrest, just as he was turning off the TV before going to sleep. Everything’s been feeling surreal now. While I wasn’t close to him the way I was close to my maternal grandparents, it’s been a great loss nonetheless. Our family’s shaken up right now, but I know we’ll all make it through somehow… *** In the midst of all this, I’ve come to like Mr. Perfect… a lot . H

Today is Diwali - the Festival of Lights. I’m walking among fiery and cherry-stained trees that line my usual walking path. There’s a definite chill in the air now, and the falling leaves rattle off to an ancient rhythm that seems lost to most of us… *** I’m remembering my childhood days for seemingly no reason at all. I remember the simplicity of it all, the little moments of joy I would share with my parents and siblings. I remember my late maternal grandparents, always soft-spoken and full of kindness. I remember moments of quiet reading in the local library, of clarinet playing and jazz band, and of singing old Hindi songs that none of our classmates could understand. Most of all, I remember looking forward to a brighter and better future. All the time. Always. *** If I can still remember all of that… then perhaps not all is lost within me. I can still carry forward with love, light and laughter. Happy Diwali. 🪔

I love it when the rain and the sun come out at the same time. Most people call it a “sunshower”, but I like to call it “rainshine” instead. The sunlight makes the raindrops look like shining diamonds falling from the bright sky. I was lucky to see this phenomenon a couple of times, at the beginning of the month. Now it’s all just rain… but I don’t mind that, either. *** Lately, I’ve been talking to an arranged suitor who seems perfect. At least, he fits everything my family and I were looking for. It’s been a nice conversation so far, like talking to an old friend. But… I don’t see myself marrying him. I don’t feel any spark beyond friendship. No attraction whatsoever. It might be an okay marriage, but I’ll never be happy in it. Somehow, I know this deep within my heart. So here’s a new conclusion I’ve come to: I’m not looking for Mr. Perfect. I’m looking for Mr. Right. Mr. Perfect may say, do and be all the right things. He’s not a bad person either, otherwise he wouldn’t be perfect.

Nearly a couple weeks ago, I had a breakdown. *** It’s never an easy thing to admit. There’s so much chaos in my mind at times, so many feelings repressed. One day, it all poured out of me like a raging waterfall… and when the waterfall stopped, I wandered for a while without knowing where I was going. All I knew was that I needed to be alone for a little while, and that I was safe in my own company. Now, I’m just starting to pick up the pieces. I’m just so afraid of letting others down, I forgot that I let myself down in the process. And that needs to be healed first. My relationship with myself. Because if I can’t fix this, everything else comes tumbling down with it.

Last night I found my simplest truth again, in a dream. I was going out with an arranged marriage suitor, and things seemed to be going okay. Until a projector screen came up in front of us, on which was a list of all my real-life flaws - in PowerPoint form! The guy was scrolling through the slides, and which each flaw that came up he got angrier and angrier. Eventually, he stormed out while I just stood there, frozen with fear. He complained about me to my parents, said he wouldn’t marry such a horrible person, and then left. From the time I woke up to the time I reached my office, I kept thinking about that dream. It was so hard for me to face, because I know my own flaws deep down… And because of those flaws, I think I’m unworthy of being loved for who I am. I’m afraid of others seeing what I think is the “real” me - crazy, immature, overly talkative, childish, whiny, selfish, irresponsible, lazy, cunning - and rejecting me for all of that. The thing is… yes, I do have those flaws a

I miss my maternal grandparents… I wish they were still around, alive and well, and could’ve lived long enough to see my marriage in the future (whenever that will happen). I especially miss my grandfather. *** Today I discovered this one instrumental piece: “Form” by Tom Quick. It’s got a simple piano tune, a smooth “orchestral” sounding flow and chill beats in the background that sort of remind me of a heartbeat. There’s something about it that makes me think and wonder about life in general: from the human experience on Earth to life in the universe, among other things. I love the ebb and flow of it all, the music of voices and the colors I see, the beauty of both creation and creativity, the emotions we can feel and express. … If all the world was silent, it would be lonesome.

Technology is interesting, isn’t it? We can jump start cars or unresponsive people in an emergency… Where’s the technology to jump start dead emotions? I feel so empty these days… so empty. My heart feels hollow inside, as though there was nothing in there to begin with. I don’t want to live a dead life. I can’t agree to this arrangement. I can’t deal with this compromise. I wish I could jump start my heart, and start all over again. I want to experience the best of romance like I’m feeling it for the very first time again. I want it to flutter the way it used to, to feel the color rise in my cheeks and my knees go weak the way I used to feel them. I wish I could once more experience the warmth of someone’s hand in mine as we walk along a garden path, the tenderness of a gentle smile or a kiss, the sweet ache of a deep happy sigh… Love is too beautiful to waste my life without.