Confessions of a Kashmirican

I miss my maternal grandparents… I wish they were still around, alive and well, and could’ve lived long enough to see my marriage in the future (whenever that will happen). I especially miss my grandfather. *** Today I discovered this one instrumental piece: “Form” by Tom Quick. It’s got a simple piano tune, a smooth “orchestral” sounding flow and chill beats in the background that sort of remind me of a heartbeat. There’s something about it that makes me think and wonder about life in general: from the human experience on Earth to life in the universe, among other things. I love the ebb and flow of it all, the music of voices and the colors I see, the beauty of both creation and creativity, the emotions we can feel and express. … If all the world was silent, it would be lonesome.

Technology is interesting, isn’t it? We can jump start cars or unresponsive people in an emergency… Where’s the technology to jump start dead emotions? I feel so empty these days… so empty. My heart feels hollow inside, as though there was nothing in there to begin with. I don’t want to live a dead life. I can’t agree to this arrangement. I can’t deal with this compromise. I wish I could jump start my heart, and start all over again. I want to experience the best of romance like I’m feeling it for the very first time again. I want it to flutter the way it used to, to feel the color rise in my cheeks and my knees go weak the way I used to feel them. I wish I could once more experience the warmth of someone’s hand in mine as we walk along a garden path, the tenderness of a gentle smile or a kiss, the sweet ache of a deep happy sigh… Love is too beautiful to waste my life without. 

This last Sunday, my family and I meditated. I had only one prayer written out, and silently thought to myself: Please help me find the right person. As we were just about done, the candle we had lit died out - and as it did, I saw the dying flame jump up and burn all our slips of paper at once. Nothing else was burned. If that wasn’t a sign, I don’t know what is… *** Finally met Mr. Hobbit in person yesterday. ❤️ I wasn’t expecting that, to be honest. So it was nice. 😄 Quite a few others showed up as well, for the retirement luncheon held for one of our senior colleagues. Whenever I fell silent, I could - for the first time in ages - hear the sea of voices. Voices rising up and down, like waves gently lapping against the shore, so full of life and animation. It was music to my heart. The pandemic truly has taken a toll on me, I realize it deeply now. I know I’m socially inept and have much to learn, but… I want to see more of other people. I want to see more of the world again. I wan