Confessions of a Kashmirican

Nearly a couple weeks ago, I had a breakdown. *** It’s never an easy thing to admit. There’s so much chaos in my mind at times, so many feelings repressed. One day, it all poured out of me like a raging waterfall… and when the waterfall stopped, I wandered for a while without knowing where I was going. All I knew was that I needed to be alone for a little while, and that I was safe in my own company. Now, I’m just starting to pick up the pieces. I’m just so afraid of letting others down, I forgot that I let myself down in the process. And that needs to be healed first. My relationship with myself. Because if I can’t fix this, everything else comes tumbling down with it.

Last night I found my simplest truth again, in a dream. I was going out with an arranged marriage suitor, and things seemed to be going okay. Until a projector screen came up in front of us, on which was a list of all my real-life flaws - in PowerPoint form! The guy was scrolling through the slides, and which each flaw that came up he got angrier and angrier. Eventually, he stormed out while I just stood there, frozen with fear. He complained about me to my parents, said he wouldn’t marry such a horrible person, and then left. From the time I woke up to the time I reached my office, I kept thinking about that dream. It was so hard for me to face, because I know my own flaws deep down… And because of those flaws, I think I’m unworthy of being loved for who I am. I’m afraid of others seeing what I think is the “real” me - crazy, immature, overly talkative, childish, whiny, selfish, irresponsible, lazy, cunning - and rejecting me for all of that. The thing is… yes, I do have those flaws a