#31 - Lovable

Last night I found my simplest truth again, in a dream.

I was going out with an arranged marriage suitor, and things seemed to be going okay. Until a projector screen came up in front of us, on which was a list of all my real-life flaws - in PowerPoint form! The guy was scrolling through the slides, and which each flaw that came up he got angrier and angrier. Eventually, he stormed out while I just stood there, frozen with fear. He complained about me to my parents, said he wouldn’t marry such a horrible person, and then left.

From the time I woke up to the time I reached my office, I kept thinking about that dream. It was so hard for me to face, because I know my own flaws deep down…

And because of those flaws, I think I’m unworthy of being loved for who I am.

I’m afraid of others seeing what I think is the “real” me - crazy, immature, overly talkative, childish, whiny, selfish, irresponsible, lazy, cunning - and rejecting me for all of that.

The thing is… yes, I do have those flaws among others. And I know these are things I can (and want to) change about myself. But that’s not all I am.

I’m at my best when I’m strong, confident, happy, loving, and kind. I’m always thinking about the happiness of others along with my own, even and especially when I disappoint or hurt them. I like contemplating about life and spirituality in all its wonder and beauty. I enjoy going outside for walks in nature. I love music, it is the heartbeat that gets me going through each and every day. I work hard at my job and feel satisfied when I’m able to implement solutions that help my team (and the company at large). And, when I put my mind to it, I have what it takes to become responsible with household work as well.

I’m not completely good, but I’m not completely bad either. I’m just a perfectly imperfect human.

And I am lovable.

Comments

  1. TalmiddonOctober 19, 2021 at 11:42 AM

    I had a few moments and thought to visit what you want to share with the rest of us.
    I am shaking my head saying to myself ‘what is this “bad” nonsense?’ unless you’ve spent a LIFETIME - that is, from the time you could walk, make decisions and knew more than which was is up as you deal with your environs until the moment you published your post - living the life of a major, or a minor, criminal with zero conscience nor respect for others.
    Turn off that too feisty out of control judge working against you and stop dumping on your self.
    You could have lived a life of flamboyant harlotry or been irresponsible with your family and finances and have zero religious life : none of that gives you the label you seem to be applying to your self.
    You do not see how wonderful you are?
    My goodness gracious….
    donll

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