Confessions of a Kashmirican

The evening is quiet enough. I can breathe in the pure, unscented air for a bit. I was feeling a little sore earlier, but all the aches seem to have melted away. As I’m walking, my eyes scan across the misty sunset skies with relief and relish. It’s refreshing to see. My mind has been in a state of confusion and chaos the past week or so (as it usually is, but this time it’s been worse). And yet, more and more often, I’ve been seeking refuge within myself. Who else can I talk to about how I’m truly feeling right now? Sometimes it seems like no one knows me the way I know myself. And sometimes it can be uncomfortable, having to acknowledge my negative traits along with the positive ones… but it’s necessary. I need to grow. I can run from a lot of things, but I can’t run away from myself. I feel torn from inside. How do I sew the pieces back together?

I want my time back. I. Want. My. Time. Back. It’s been a little over a week now, and I’ve already reached my limit here… I’m sick of the arranged marriage suitors. I’m sick of having to look at their stupid profiles full of praises and achievements. I’m sick of having to message them and talk to them over the phone. I’m sick of feeling pushed to like any of these assholes. I want my time back! I want to take time to get to know myself again. I was perfectly fine with my family, my job and my hobbies alone. I don’t need anyone else right now! GIVE ME BACK MY TIME!

“When you’re happy you enjoy the music, but when you’re sad you understand the lyrics.” It’s come down to this now. Because of all my past relationship blunders, I’m faced with having to choose suitors screened through my family. It’s not that the guys themselves aren’t good - well, most of them haven’t been, but some are pretty cool. And it’s not that I don’t trust my mom’s judgment. I do, and I have in fact been able to talk more openly with her about these guys and what I think of them, which is nice for a change. I just… don’t feel anything. *** I’ve been through so many ups and downs throughout my twenties, trying to find myself amidst the whirlwind of career decisions, insecurities, and relationships gone horribly wrong. It took me so long to sober up, at the cost of ostracism and burned bridges. I’m finally at a place where I can start to see things clearly for what they are… And yet here I am once again, asking myself: Is it wrong for me to go for what I want at the cost of my

Normally I don’t bat an eye with grocery discount announcements… So why does this one stick out? *** In honor of the upcoming 4th of July weekend, I saw a 10% off discount in a grocery ad that was intended for the military, police, firefighters and first responders. Of course, I’ve got mixed feelings about the police (especially in recent years) - but at least for the others, it seriously made me think. These are the people who have sworn to protect us, each in their own way. We have the freedom to protest and fight for even greater humanitarian rights because of them. We are safe because of them. Many of them have sacrificed their time, their strength, their peace of mind, their emotional well-being, and sometimes even their lives, for the greater good of all. And the best we can give back to them is a goddamn 10% discount at a grocery store?! It’s not enough… it can’t be. I think about Mr. Hobbit now, and I wonder what he had to do and/or sacrifice to make it this far. I wonder about