#25 - Face the Music

“When you’re happy you enjoy the music, but when you’re sad you understand the lyrics.”



It’s come down to this now. Because of all my past relationship blunders, I’m faced with having to choose suitors screened through my family.

It’s not that the guys themselves aren’t good - well, most of them haven’t been, but some are pretty cool.

And it’s not that I don’t trust my mom’s judgment. I do, and I have in fact been able to talk more openly with her about these guys and what I think of them, which is nice for a change.

I just… don’t feel anything.

***

I’ve been through so many ups and downs throughout my twenties, trying to find myself amidst the whirlwind of career decisions, insecurities, and relationships gone horribly wrong. It took me so long to sober up, at the cost of ostracism and burned bridges. I’m finally at a place where I can start to see things clearly for what they are…

And yet here I am once again, asking myself:

Is it wrong for me to go for what I want at the cost of my family’s disapproval, knowing that they’re only doing what they feel is best for me?

I feel guilty for wanting a different kind of person, a different kind of courtship and affair. But then, I can’t suppress myself anymore to keep everyone else happy either. It would be a lie and a betrayal to myself. And I cannot live a lie anymore.


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