#37 - Chaos Once More

… I need a minute to breathe.

***

As it turns out, the arranged suitor (and his mom) believe in anti-vaxx theories over the CDC. So much so, that the guy himself is willing to lose his job instead of getting vaccinated.

1) I’m almost shocked at myself for the 180-degree shift in my mind from ”loving” him to wanting to have nothing to do with him,

2) I’m wondering what other things he might believe in that would be a dealbreaker, and

3) I guess deep down, I was looking for an excuse to get out of this. (Yeah, definitely shitty of me.)

Whatever the case is, I want to call it off. My family knows this, and yet they’re asking me to give him another chance to talk it out. I don’t want to, but I can’t avoid this tough conversation forever. What do I do…?

***

I watched a movie with my family on Saturday, that finally highlighted the truth about our community’s genocide and the current twisted narrative being driven today. It was so raw, so brutal… and yet so brilliantly done. It’s got people talking, at last.

I’m still in pain after watching that movie. I wish my maternal grandparents were alive and well to see this. I’ve been missing them so much all over again…

***

I met someone new.

Well, actually I had technically met him about a week prior. But last weekend we talked, and… I feel so warm. ❤️

Is it wrong? Am I playing with fire? What am I looking for here? How does this feel so right, while the other person I’m “supposed” to be with feels so wrong?

I don’t know what I’m doing anymore… but his eyes remind me of the ocean. The storm calms down a little. And it feels safe to swim.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

#1 - Intro

"What is a Kashmirican?" Glad you asked. 🙂 It's a word I made up to describe my ethnic and cultural background in a tiny nutshell. I was born and raised in the U.S., but both of my parents come from Kashmir - the northern part of India. We're known as Kashmiris, or (more specifically) Kashmiri Pandits. Hence, I'm a Kashmiri-American, or Kashmirican . There's not too many of us around wherever you go, we're all kinda spread out across the world. So chances are, you know who I am. Or you may not. It's all right either way. 😇 "Why don't you just call yourself an Asian American, or an Indian American?" Hmm... because I like my made-up term better. I mean, technically I'm labeled an Asian American, but then people tell me I'm not Asian because I don't look Chinese or Japanese or like any other "stereotypical Asian" that comes to mind with most Americans. And I am an Indian-origin American, but I feel like that
Read more

#31 - Lovable

Last night I found my simplest truth again, in a dream. I was going out with an arranged marriage suitor, and things seemed to be going okay. Until a projector screen came up in front of us, on which was a list of all my real-life flaws - in PowerPoint form! The guy was scrolling through the slides, and which each flaw that came up he got angrier and angrier. Eventually, he stormed out while I just stood there, frozen with fear. He complained about me to my parents, said he wouldn’t marry such a horrible person, and then left. From the time I woke up to the time I reached my office, I kept thinking about that dream. It was so hard for me to face, because I know my own flaws deep down… And because of those flaws, I think I’m unworthy of being loved for who I am. I’m afraid of others seeing what I think is the “real” me - crazy, immature, overly talkative, childish, whiny, selfish, irresponsible, lazy, cunning - and rejecting me for all of that. The thing is… yes, I do have those flaws a
Read more

#36 - The Last Red Thread

Life is complicated. Emotions are complicated. People and situations are complicated. Oh, but how I wish it were all simple! I already feel so guilty . I love my future husband to the point where I’m afraid of losing him. And yet, I’ve still got this one lingering regret… I have to let go of one more person before I can move on. It’s suffocating me. I have to let it out. I have to say something. Even if he never reads it. *** Dear Mr. Hobbit, I’m sorry. I’ve had a crush on you since the very first time I met you. It’s not the first time I’ve fallen for someone with a military background, but that’s not the only thing that caught my attention. You’re handsome, in a cute sort of way. You’re the most vigilant and reliable person on your team (as others around me will agree). You’re kind and understanding, while being confident and unafraid to speak your mind. And you’ve got a damn good sense of humor! Even though it took me ages to open up to you, I’m thankful to have known you as my cow
Read more