#5 - A Childhood Pain, Years Later

So, my brother, sister and I were diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome when we were around 3 years old. Our mom was worried because not only were we not speaking in coherent words, but we had somehow managed to create our own gibberish language to communicate with each other in. So she brought us all in to the doctor one day, and we got our official diagnosis.

Fast-forward to about 4-5 years later. The three of us had by then been a part of this “inclusion program” for students with special needs, which was offered in the public elementary school we attended. We each had an aide who would work with us during regular classes, and in between classes we would have extra time for things like speech lessons and sensory development exercises/games.

But one thing I remember in particular was this: this one year, I was told by my aide and teacher that I could pick one of my classmates to sit next to for lunch. Every day, the entire class would be stopped by the teacher before lunch so that I could choose who to pair up with. I remember feeling a strange sort of tension in the room each time, and then one day I decided out loud that I did not need to do this anymore. The moment I said it, everyone cheered. I had smiled as well, proud of myself back then... but the more time passed, the more something seemed to feel wrong about such a memory.

Looking back on it several years later, I realize now what the tension in the room may have been: no one wanted to sit with me. It seemed like everyone in my class felt forced to oblige to this strange accommodation request.

I wonder now if it’s partly because of this memory that I hate to be a burden on anyone, even subconsciously. All I know is, I don’t want to force my company on anyone. I’m simply too weird.